GROWING UP

Do you think the same way now as you did when you were 16 years old? When you were 16, did you know that there was any other way of thinking? Well of course the answer is no to both. The 25 year knows what it is like to be 16, but the 16 year old does not know what it is like to be 25. And, the 50 year old knows what it is like to be 35, but the 35 year old does not know what it is like to be 50. So we do change in many ways during our adult lives. We change in terms of how we see ourselves and how we see the world and others.

When I read Seasons of a Man’s Life by Levison in my mid-forties, I felt like the guy had been following me around all my life. He described what was going for me in my late thirties and forties to a tee; lots of questioning and turmoil. It is only when I look back at that time that I see that I had transitioned to a new level of development.

It was not until my early sixties that I learned about levels of adult development from Integral Psychology by Wilber. He talked about Robert Kegan’s Stages of Adult Development.

  • Stage 1 — Impulsive mind (early childhood)
  • Stage 2 — Imperial mind (adolescence, 6% of adult population)
  • Stage 3 — Socialized mind (58% of the adult population) In Stage 3, the most important things are the ideas, norms and beliefs of other people and systems around us (i.e. family, society, ideology, culture, etc.).
  • Stage 4 — Self-Authoring mind (35% of the adult population). In Stage 4, we can define who we are, and not be defined by other people, our relationships or the environment.
  • Stage 5 — Self-Transforming mind (1% of the adult population). In Stage 5, one’s sense of self is not tied to particular identities or roles, but is constantly created through the exploration of one’s identities and roles and further honed through interactions with others.

If you want to explore in more detail about this mental model of Adult Development, go to Kegan’s Levels of Development.

The key idea here is that you grow an adult. And, that becoming “self-authoring” means not being imprisoned by the cultural and parental messages about who you are or who you should be. It means transcending the misery caused by not owning your own authority. It means thinking deeply for yourself and being independent of others.

So how do you become more self-authoring?  Knowing  and learning about ourselves as we are in the crucible of crisis is where the true growth occurs.

We can get a head start before crisis by uncovering the unconscious patterns and programing that drive us. See the Johari Window from the previous blog.

We can explore our personality dynamics, our personal history, and our value system. We can reflect on these things and see if we can discover where we are on a path of development.

Some people have no interest in this self exploration and I fully respect that. But if you are willing to go on a journey of self discovery in order to grow as an adult, stick with me and let me share with you my learning around personality dynamics, value systems, and crisis.

In the next blog we’re going to begin exploring three mental models of personality.

Can you see how you have changed over the years and think differently now than then?

As you look at the stages of development, where might you be?

MENTAL MODELS

In thinking about how I think, I am aware that I operate on lots of mental models; maps of the world.

A mental model is an explanation of someone’s thought process about how something works in the real world. It is a representation of the surrounding world, the relationships between its various parts and a person’s intuitive perception about his or her own acts and their consequences.

A good example is a road map.. The map is not the territory, but it represents the territory in a way that makes it useful.

I am going to share one example of a mental model I use in my coaching practice and then in the next several blogs share others that have been useful to me in my life.

The Johari window model is a simple and useful tool for illustrating and improving self-awareness, and mutual understanding between individuals.It helps people better understand their relationship with themselves and others.

FOUR QUADRANTS

Open, or Arena

This the part of you that is known to you and known to others. It behavior and motivations that are public.

Hidden, or Façade

This is the part you that you know about yourself but that others don’t know. This can include thoughts, feelings, motivations, secrets, or personal history.

Blind Spot

This is the part of you that others know but of which you are unaware. They see behavior that you are not conscious about and perhaps might deny it and be defensive. Just ask your spouse or a colleague to give you some honest feedback and you will get a sense of this. 

Unknown

This the unconscious part of you that others don’t know and neither do you.

Just knowing this model has been useful to me. I have found it beneficial to be more open.  Exposing the hidden parts myself have allowed me to be more authentic and disclosive with others. And, this has led to greater intimacy and trust with others.

Does knowing my blind spots help me in personal and work relationships? Of course. Anytime I can learn more about myself, it can be positive and lead to meaningful change. When we recognize our unconscious patterns we can grow.

I  have also found that there are ways to surface the unknown about myself through reading about personality dynamics and unconscious patterns that might be present.  A therapist can help with this as well. See my blog about Shadow.

So, with this example, I hope you can see that value of metal models. I will share more in future blogs.

Can you see that many of your attitudes, beliefs, judgements and assessments are based on your mental models?

In what way can you create greater intimacy by disclosing more of yourself to love ones?